We moved to Ohio just before I started 7th grade. We joined a great church where I had a solid group of friends, felt included, and was able to really shine. People encouraged me in everything I did and I started to see that Christianity was not just for Sunday mornings and holidays. I went to Young Life camp and accepted Christ as my savior. I had heard the story of the crucifixion countless times before, but this time it was more than just some historical event. It was personal. I was on fire and wanted everyone else to know what I finally knew.
Now that I look back, I can see that the next year was Spiritual warfare. Depression was being edged out by a relationship with God and he didn't like it. I continued to try to be active in my church, but those whispered words were back as a constant roar. I couldn't smile, I couldn't sing, I couldn't think about the future, I couldn't read, I couldn't even get through class without crying. It was suffocating.
"You are a burden to your family and the people you call your friends. They are so nice to you, but you know you don't deserve them. They will be better off without you. Look at yourself. You cry all the time. Nobody wants to be around you."
I started to think about how I could relieve everyone of the burden I thought I was. I knew that the Bible said that suicide was a one-way ticket to eternal separation. I decided that I would rather sacrifice my eternal life than continue to hurt those around me. I didn't want it to be bloody because I didn't want anyone to have to clean up a mess. I thought that maybe I could take pills, but I knew my mom would find me before I died. That would lead to a hospital visit and who knows how many doctor visits. I couldn't think of a way to effectively kill myself that wouldn't cause more problems for the people around me. And that is the only reason I didn't commit suicide my 9th grade year.
My depression had become so obvious that my friends talked to our health teacher. She called my parents and they tried to talk to me. I denied it and they dropped it. I didn't know how to explain to anyone what was happening to me. I felt that the only option left was to fake happiness. When we got the news that we were moving once again, I was genuinely happy. Another fresh start. I desperately needed it.
Like every other time, I hoped that Depression would not follow me. Like every other time, he did follow. My parents found a church they liked. I tried to get plugged in with the youth group. I felt like an outcast. I wasn't able to plug in the way I had before. And so, with me being a believer, but my fire just barely flickering, Depression did not feel the need to roar anymore and went back to the gentle whisper that slowly and quietly robbed me of my self-confidence. We existed like this for many years.
Thursday, January 14, 2016
Comfort in the Darkness - Part 1
One Sunday, a few weeks ago, I was sitting in church listening to a sermon that I, regrettably, don't recall. I was suddenly overcome with the need to share the story of how depression has wound it's black tentacles through the story of my life. As I walked out of the service, I felt the discontent of knowing that I had not been obedient. I tried to reassure myself that this was just some weird trick my mind was playing on me and that the tugging at my being would dissipate with time. Of course it didn't. I knew it wouldn't. So the next few posts will be devoted to sharing my story. My prayer is that God will use this to show someone that light can be found in the darkness that depression casts.
I met Depression as a young child in my insecurity and fears. He was there like a shadow. A constant companion who whispered so gently in my ear.
"Those other kids don't really like you. They only play with you because they are too nice to tell you to leave them alone."
"Stop trying so hard. You are never going to get it right."
"Those other girls are so much prettier than you are. No one will ever love you."
"Why do you talk so much? Nobody cares what you have to say."
"You aren't really as smart as people think you are. You will never succeed at anything."
"Your brother. He's the creative one. Not you."
I moved every three years or less. I always tried to leave him behind, but there he was. In every new state. At every new school.
There were hours, days, weeks that he would retreat into the recesses of my mind. The more I occupied my mind with reading, the longer he stayed at bay. So I read. Voraciously. I was a member of the Baby Sitters Club and spent time in the Secret Garden. My best friends were Jo March, Sara Crewe, and Anne Shirley. I had adventures with a mouse named Stuart Little and I cheered for a pig named Wilbur. I explored the land of Narnia with Susan and the frontier with Laura Ingalls.
You can't escape in literature all the time though and in the night, when the house was quite and I wanted sleep, he would creep back to the forefront of my mind. He replayed every detail of the day, reminding me of all the times I said or did the wrong thing. He discounted anything that resembled joy. He told me that tomorrow would be no better. And, no matter how much I imagined exactly how the next day would go - what I would wear, what I would say, what I would do - it happened again the next night. It went on for an hour or more most nights, before my thoughts, his accusations, finally subsided and I was free to sleep.
I met Depression as a young child in my insecurity and fears. He was there like a shadow. A constant companion who whispered so gently in my ear.
"Those other kids don't really like you. They only play with you because they are too nice to tell you to leave them alone."
"Stop trying so hard. You are never going to get it right."
"Those other girls are so much prettier than you are. No one will ever love you."
"Why do you talk so much? Nobody cares what you have to say."
"You aren't really as smart as people think you are. You will never succeed at anything."
"Your brother. He's the creative one. Not you."
I moved every three years or less. I always tried to leave him behind, but there he was. In every new state. At every new school.
There were hours, days, weeks that he would retreat into the recesses of my mind. The more I occupied my mind with reading, the longer he stayed at bay. So I read. Voraciously. I was a member of the Baby Sitters Club and spent time in the Secret Garden. My best friends were Jo March, Sara Crewe, and Anne Shirley. I had adventures with a mouse named Stuart Little and I cheered for a pig named Wilbur. I explored the land of Narnia with Susan and the frontier with Laura Ingalls.
You can't escape in literature all the time though and in the night, when the house was quite and I wanted sleep, he would creep back to the forefront of my mind. He replayed every detail of the day, reminding me of all the times I said or did the wrong thing. He discounted anything that resembled joy. He told me that tomorrow would be no better. And, no matter how much I imagined exactly how the next day would go - what I would wear, what I would say, what I would do - it happened again the next night. It went on for an hour or more most nights, before my thoughts, his accusations, finally subsided and I was free to sleep.
Wednesday, December 16, 2015
Chicken Burrito Bowl
With a busy toddler running around and me working a lot of evenings, the crock pot has become a must have at our house to make healthy dinners happen with significantly less frustration. My husband's favorite crock pot meal is the chicken burrito bowl. Bonus - the kids all like it too! This is one of the easiest meals to make.
Ingredients:1.5# boneless, skinless chicken breast
2 cans black beans - drained and rinsed
1 can corn - drained and rinsed
1 jar salsa of your choice
1 Tbsp chili powder
1/2 Tbsp cumin powder
1/2 Tbsp minced garlic
1/2 tsp dried oregano
1/4 tsp cayenne pepper (optional)
1/4 cup water/chicken broth/veggie broth
brown rice or quinoa
Optional Toppings: cheese, sour cream, guacamole, fresh cilantro
Directions:
2. Cook brown rice or quinoa according to package directions.
3. Put rice in each bowl and top with chicken mixture and desired toppings.
That's all there is to it. Even my twins can make this one so long as they have help measuring.
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| Makes great leftovers too! |
Thursday, December 10, 2015
New Year, New You!
Find out why you should start your new year with a 30 day clean eating challenge.
Learn which foods are nourishing and which foods are holding you back. I want to give you the tools to succeed in living a healthier life! There
are two events coming up soon. See the information below for details. If these times don't work out for you, please let me know so we can arrange another time for you.
Topic: 30 Days to Healthy Living
Time: Dec 17, 2015 2:00 PM (GMT-6:00) Central Time (US and Canada)
Join from PC, Mac, Linux, iOS or Android: https://zoom.us/j/922801385
Or join by phone:
+1 415 762 9988 (US Toll) or +1 646 568 7788 (US Toll)
Meeting ID: 922 801 385
International numbers available:
Time: Dec 17, 2015 2:00 PM (GMT-6:00) Central Time (US and Canada)
Join from PC, Mac, Linux, iOS or Android: https://zoom.us/j/922801385
Or join by phone:
+1 415 762 9988 (US Toll) or +1 646 568 7788 (US Toll)
Meeting ID: 922 801 385
International numbers available:
Wednesday, December 9, 2015
I can breathe again.
Well, when I last left off, I had just graduated from PA school and I was looking for a job. I was also living with my parents while we built a house. THREE years have passed (good grief) and there have been so many answered prayers.
We are loving our new house. We have just enough bedrooms and a big wide open living space for hosting friends and family. Jonathan loves his four car garage and we all love our neighbors. We designed it with the idea of living in it forever and I think we just might...Unless, of course, God has something else planned for our future.
When I graduated from PA school, I took a job in primary care that required a commute to a nearby town. I loved my patients and walking beside them in life cheering them on and crying with them during the tough times. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to do all my work during normal work hours and my family was suffering for it. One of my twins was getting a lot of notes home from school and my other twin was developing quite the attitude. I was always stressed out and I took it out on my family. The birth of another baby girl in December of 2015 was the tipping point. I stopped just praying about a change in our situation and started looking around to see what I could do to get my kids out of daycare.
I never saw myself in urgent care, but this is exactly where I am now. I was always afraid that I wouldn't be able to keep up with the pace and that something would come in that I couldn't handle. But, the hours (part-time) and the ability to take all three of my kids out of daycare was exactly what I had been praying for. Despite the fact that there are no guaranteed hours, no benefits, and I was scared of this field, I took a huge leap of faith and God has blessed us abundantly for it. The same day I turned in my letter of resignation, Jonathan got a promotion to a closer office.
This change has made my life feel so much more balanced. My twins are doing better, I'm not stressed out all the time, my marriage has improved, and I get to watch my baby learn and grow. I don't get to be quite so invested in my patients now, but I do get to be more invested in my friends and family. And the job isn't nearly as scary as I thought it would be. I'm getting much more comfortable with things like sutures and IV fluids. I'm becoming a much more well-rounded PA.
We are loving our new house. We have just enough bedrooms and a big wide open living space for hosting friends and family. Jonathan loves his four car garage and we all love our neighbors. We designed it with the idea of living in it forever and I think we just might...Unless, of course, God has something else planned for our future.
When I graduated from PA school, I took a job in primary care that required a commute to a nearby town. I loved my patients and walking beside them in life cheering them on and crying with them during the tough times. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to do all my work during normal work hours and my family was suffering for it. One of my twins was getting a lot of notes home from school and my other twin was developing quite the attitude. I was always stressed out and I took it out on my family. The birth of another baby girl in December of 2015 was the tipping point. I stopped just praying about a change in our situation and started looking around to see what I could do to get my kids out of daycare.
I never saw myself in urgent care, but this is exactly where I am now. I was always afraid that I wouldn't be able to keep up with the pace and that something would come in that I couldn't handle. But, the hours (part-time) and the ability to take all three of my kids out of daycare was exactly what I had been praying for. Despite the fact that there are no guaranteed hours, no benefits, and I was scared of this field, I took a huge leap of faith and God has blessed us abundantly for it. The same day I turned in my letter of resignation, Jonathan got a promotion to a closer office.
This change has made my life feel so much more balanced. My twins are doing better, I'm not stressed out all the time, my marriage has improved, and I get to watch my baby learn and grow. I don't get to be quite so invested in my patients now, but I do get to be more invested in my friends and family. And the job isn't nearly as scary as I thought it would be. I'm getting much more comfortable with things like sutures and IV fluids. I'm becoming a much more well-rounded PA.
Saturday, December 29, 2012
Early Risers
I am a morning person. I can't help it. Even on days when I have no reason to get up and no children in my house I am up by 7:00am. I am not, however, ready to socialize right when I get up and certainly not before 6:00am. It's like a magical time for me at which point I become capable of communicating. Talk to me before that and I might bite your head off. God blessed me with two early risers. Julia is like her momma. She might get up early, but she's not really ready to start her day yet. She just wants to snuggle. Amelia, my little social butterfly, knows no time at which she is not happily chatting away. Now my girls go to bed at 8:00pm every night. So 6:00am is an appropriate wake up time for them at this age (4). Unfortunately, my little darlings had a hard time figuring this out. They wanted to get up at 5:00 or 5:30am no matter what time we put them to bed. We tried using a baby gate to keep them in their room until 6:00, but they just knocked it over and then it scared them and they started bawling. Then we found my very favorite product ever.
The Teach Me Time Talking Alarm Clock and Nightlight. This clock is amazing! You can set it to turn yellow at bedtime then green when it's time to wake up. It didn't take long for the girls to catch on to this. In addition, this clock has several other cool features. You can make it read just digital or just analog or both. You can push a button and it will tell you what time it is. There are games in which it will ask you what time the clock says and then you push a button and it tells you the answer. It even has an alarm for when the kids get bigger and getting up early isn't so much fun anymore. This clock retails for about $40. We got ours online from Barnes and Noble, but there are several other online sources as well.
The Teach Me Time Talking Alarm Clock and Nightlight. This clock is amazing! You can set it to turn yellow at bedtime then green when it's time to wake up. It didn't take long for the girls to catch on to this. In addition, this clock has several other cool features. You can make it read just digital or just analog or both. You can push a button and it will tell you what time it is. There are games in which it will ask you what time the clock says and then you push a button and it tells you the answer. It even has an alarm for when the kids get bigger and getting up early isn't so much fun anymore. This clock retails for about $40. We got ours online from Barnes and Noble, but there are several other online sources as well.
A Season of Change
I can't believe I haven't posted since August. Obviously a lot has happened since then.
I finally achieved my master's degree in Physician Assistant Studies. Now I'm studying for my national certification exam and looking for a job.
Julia has been loving her class this year. She has show-and-tell every Friday in which she brings something that begins with a selected letter of the alphabet. They are counting down 100 days of school and on day 100 they will have a pajama party. They have already had an 80's dance party. Her teacher was really impressed with her when she gave an impromptu performance of the "Fresh Prince of Bel Air" theme song. I'm teaching my girls all the best things from the 80's and 90's.
Amelia's class seems to be in a constant state of transition. They have had three lead teachers and at least two afternoon teachers since August. All that change has been hard on the kiddos. Fortunately, her newest lead teacher is excellent. She has years of experience and is no-nonsense. Just what a class full of little girls needs to quelch some of the drama. Her Christmas party was tons of fun with decorating sugar cones like Christmas trees, tossing bean bags through a wreath, and balancing Hershey Kisses on spoons across the room and then placing them in a stocking.
We sold our first house and are now living with my parents while we build our dream house. We signed the build contract two months ago and already had all of our interior and exterior selections made. So far they have managed to uproot the two trees in the backyard, but one of the stumps is still lying there. I was hoping the framing would be complete by the time the cold weather hit, but it seems that there are a lot of houses in progress with our building company. We were hoping to be in the new house by March, but it looks like it will be more like April or May. Praise the Lord my parents have built before and are reasonably understanding about the whole situation.
I finally achieved my master's degree in Physician Assistant Studies. Now I'm studying for my national certification exam and looking for a job.
Julia has been loving her class this year. She has show-and-tell every Friday in which she brings something that begins with a selected letter of the alphabet. They are counting down 100 days of school and on day 100 they will have a pajama party. They have already had an 80's dance party. Her teacher was really impressed with her when she gave an impromptu performance of the "Fresh Prince of Bel Air" theme song. I'm teaching my girls all the best things from the 80's and 90's.
Amelia's class seems to be in a constant state of transition. They have had three lead teachers and at least two afternoon teachers since August. All that change has been hard on the kiddos. Fortunately, her newest lead teacher is excellent. She has years of experience and is no-nonsense. Just what a class full of little girls needs to quelch some of the drama. Her Christmas party was tons of fun with decorating sugar cones like Christmas trees, tossing bean bags through a wreath, and balancing Hershey Kisses on spoons across the room and then placing them in a stocking.
We sold our first house and are now living with my parents while we build our dream house. We signed the build contract two months ago and already had all of our interior and exterior selections made. So far they have managed to uproot the two trees in the backyard, but one of the stumps is still lying there. I was hoping the framing would be complete by the time the cold weather hit, but it seems that there are a lot of houses in progress with our building company. We were hoping to be in the new house by March, but it looks like it will be more like April or May. Praise the Lord my parents have built before and are reasonably understanding about the whole situation.
This is our lot before the trees came down
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